Recently, while working at one of the library’s public service desks, a patron remarked to me, “Children do not listen to their parents.”
In many cultures, children are expected to obey their parents without question. But younger generations are beginning to ask: What is the cost of obedience when it comes at the expense of mental health?
Strong family relationships thrive on collaboration and mutual respect. It is powerful when parents strive to understand and support their children’s unique perspectives and needs. Children who feel heard and respected are better able to regulate their emotions and, in turn, are more likely to respect their parents’ wishes, a win-win cycle that strengthens the parent-child relationship.
If I ever become a parent, I want to respect my child’s choices: what they want to study, which college they want to attend. If they don’t want to attend college, that’s fine (as attending trade school might be more promising in a future economy). I may not approve of some of their choices, and I will speak honestly from my perspective, but I won’t dictate their decisions. That’s not my role. My job is to love and support them.
There was a conflict in my own family when I moved away for college, as I was expected to commute to a local college. My thinking was this: If I listen to them, I will harbor some resentments toward them for the rest of my life. To spare us that burden, I listened to myself. And you know what? Things worked out very well. They even adapted over time.
The next time you resist something your loved one wants, ask yourself: Whose interests am I protecting?
We have a large collection of books on mental health and parenting available on the second floor. A good place to start is our Mental Health Awareness Month collection. I highly recommend “The Body Keeps the Score,” which offers a powerful look into trauma. One connection I have made while reading it is that when people say they listened to their parents, there may be trauma related to parents’ requirement for absolute obedience. In fiction, The Notebook teaches us that sometimes listening to our parents can lead to unhappiness. Another example of this phenomenon is Rose, the character from the movie Titanic, who is able to build a healthy and fulfilling life after she disassociates from her controlling mother and her fiancé.
Trauma often continues into the next generation, as traumatized people expect the same obedience from their own children, believing they have earned that right after years of being silenced or controlled themselves. But that cycle stops when we say: “I empathize with you, but I do not have to carry the weight of your pain.”
I recommend reading Jean-Paul Sartre, who challenges us to take responsibility for our own lives and define our own path, rather than blindly following the one handed to us or, even worse, dictating how others should live their lives. Also, consider reading Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, where the parents finally take responsibility for their own lives after depending on their son for so long.
Building a good family begins with honoring the freedom people are born with.